


her love

by prescellphone



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, F/M, Love, Memories, Past Lives, buckynat - Freeform, winterwidow - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-14 18:46:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7185716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prescellphone/pseuds/prescellphone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha has the chance to see Bucky after he wakes back up</p>
<p>Music: Moonlight by Ariana Grande</p>
            </blockquote>





	her love

**Author's Note:**

> this contains civil war spoilers (i mean why haven't you seen it yet??? its so fuckin good). and i'm in my bucky slump again. i love him so much and i've only recently started liking buckynat (stucky is still my boo tho)

       

* * *

 

       “Damn,” Steve hissed.

       “I told you to wrap your hands,” Sam muttered before shaking his head and drinking deeply from an orange juice bottle.

       “I’ve fought Hydra, aliens, and Tony, I don’t need to wrap my hands. And I told you to stop drinking from the carton,” Steve grumbled.

       He wasn’t too worried about the orange juice and Sam knew it. His thoughts were on the back room where Bucky slept deeply. Fighting with Sam and punching a bag repeatedly was the only thing that calmed Steve’s nerves, and it was worth it even if he split his knuckles until they were bloody and bruised.  

       Steve was turning to grab an ice pack when Wanda entered the room, her accent heavier than usual, “T’Challa said we had a visitor. He’s sending them over.”

       Forgetting the ice pack, Steve nodded and noticed how despite her best efforts, Wanda looked exhausted.

       Moving around the kitchen counter, Sam placed the orange juice back into the fridge and handed Steve a new wash cloth, “Who would be visiting us? I mean, no one is supposed to know we’re here right?”

       Steve shifted his feet, “That’s the idea.”

       He glanced at the phone placed on the counter in front of him. A matching phone had been sent to the compound over a year ago, and there had yet to be a call. Steve wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. He ignored the guilt and pain building up in his stomach and turned back to Wanda.

       “And shouldn’t you be resting?”

       “Oh please,” Wanda responded as she took a seat on the couch, “I’m fine, really.”

        Sam and Steve shared a look before there was a knock at the front door. Wanda didn’t pay any attention to the sound, and Steve didn’t shift from his spot. Sam finally sighed and moved to the door. He had barely opened the door before he froze in his spot. Natasha stood in front of him, a duffel bag hanging off her shoulder.

        “Nat,” Steve mumbled from behind Sam, his shock clearly written on his face. Wanda stood slowly, her exhaustion beginning to take over.

        Natasha smirked at Sam and walked around him, “T’Challa said you guys would be home. And don’t worry I come as a friend.”

         “Last time someone said that, they ended up trying to kill Steve and Bucky,” Sam unfroze and crossed his arms. He had lost his tolerance for many members of the avengers long before Tony and Steve had their falling out.

         Natasha lost her smile, “I know but T’Challa trusted me with your location. Tony doesn’t know.”

         Steve pushed off from where he was leaning on the counter, the bloody rags left behind, “Why are you here?”

         Ignoring his question, Natasha placed her bag on the floor, “T’Challa sure did set you guys up with a nice place. Where’s Clint and Scott?”

         “Natasha,” Steve urged, his tone serious.

         Natasha took a deep breath before brushing a lone strand of hair out of her face, “I heard about Bucky and Wanda. I just wanted…I wanted to check on you.”

         Her voice was as soft as the time she spoke to him at Peggy’s funeral, but her eyes wouldn’t meet his. Steve let out a breath. There was more to this than she was letting on.

         Wanda responded, “It went well. I practiced for months. Bucky should be fine.”

         Natasha sharply nodded once, her smirk was forced, “So where are you keeping him? Surely not that god awful tube?”

        “Oh I wish,” Sam muttered to himself.

         Steve motioned with one of his bloody hands, “I can show you.”

         Natasha followed him out of the room and into a long hallway. Steve massaged one of his hands absentmindedly as they walked in silence. Reaching the end of the hallway, they stood outside a closed door.

         Steve turned to her then, a frown heavy on his face, “What aren’t you telling me?”

         Natasha shrugged, “I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about-”

         “Don’t bullshit me, Nat.”

         They shared a cold look before Natasha gave in, “T’Challa has been keeping me up to date on everything.”

         “Why?” Steve questioned instantly.

         “Because I asked him to. He trusts me,” she paused, “Don’t you?”

         Steve held her gaze for a few seconds before responding, “I do…I just need to make sure everyone here with me doesn’t get hurt again.”

         Natasha could tell he was thinking of Wanda in the straight jacket, Clint and Scott behind bars instead of with their kids, and Sam blamed for the accident that injured Rhodey. They had been put away for believing in him and were now considered to be international criminals.

         Natasha smiled meekly before placing a hand on his arm, “Steve, I would never. Please.”

         He didn’t respond but instead gradually and without a sound, opened the door in front of them. It was dark in the room except for the light streaming in between the blinds in the window.

         Once Natasha’s eyes adjusted to the dim light, she could make out a figure sprawled across the bed. She recognized the messy dark hair spread on the pillow and the gleam of his metal arm. Bucky slept soundly on the bed in a position that only a truly exhausted person would find comfortable. He was on his stomach, both arms extended out to his sides, his metal arm hanging off the bed and the blankets only covering up to his waist. Natasha’s eyes followed his arm up to his bare back and down his spine before she looked away.

         She could feel Steve’s eyes on her as she said, “I wouldn’t think he would want to sleep after being in that tube for a year.”

       “Wanda said the procedure would put some stress on him, but we didn’t expect him to sleep for a full two days.”

       “What exactly did she do?” Natasha reminded herself to look at Steve and not Bucky.

       “She said it was complicated. Technically, she didn’t erase the words Zemo used to control Bucky. But instead associated them with other memories, memories from when he was still Bucky, the real Bucky. He’ll still have the memories from his time with Hydra though, that was Bucky’s only request.”

       Natasha chewed her lip as she allowed herself a glance at Bucky. Of course he would keep his memories, they were a steady reminder of how much pain he had caused. Natasha understood that.

       But she was more concerned when Steve said the “real” Bucky. Was that Steve’s best friend Bucky, the Bucky who lived quietly in Bucharest, or the Bucky she knew as James? James with the grim smile and soft hands. She recalled the ghost of a laugh across a pillow and the coolness of his metal arm along her neck, his fingers ever so gentle.

       “Nat? You’re still not telling me something,” Steve broke up her thoughts. His eyes were studying her closely, catching every emotion warring inside her.

       She took a deep breath. It was going to happen at some point.

       “I knew Bucky,” Natasha looked to Steve for a reaction but his face was clear as she continued, “Well, he was James to me.”

       Steve nodded slowly and let her continue, “He trained me and other girls when we were in the Academy.”

       “That’s it?” Steve muttered after a minute of silence.

        Natasha gazed at the slope of Bucky’s shoulder blades, her chest hurt, “Yes. That’s it.”

        Steve shifted next to her. He obviously didn’t believe her but was going to say nothing about it.

        They stood together and watched Bucky for a second longer before Steve barely brushed her elbow with his fingers as he turned away, “I need to go talk to Wanda.”

        He walked away quickly and quietly, leaving Natasha at the entrance to the room. She was frozen in place for a couple seconds as she listened to Bucky’s deep breathing. She remembered when he used to sleep heavily before frantically waking up, always having nightmares about a train and snow and blue eyes.

        Natasha let out a short, dry laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Her life always seemed to loop around itself. She was in a never-ending reminder of her past. Most of her past she wanted to forget, but her small part with James was something she had always held on to. And now that past was possibly forgotten by Bucky. Or James. It didn’t matter, it was him. She had loved him.

        Natasha looked up from the floor and let herself believe that nothing had changed. That James would wake up and sit on the edge of the bed, his hair covering his face as he tried to crawl back out of his nightmares. And she would have to wake up and sit next to him and kiss his shoulders, reminding him that he was awake and not falling. Then he would lie next to her and smile sadly and she would smile sadly back.

         She recalled when he was in the shower with her, and he let her run her fingers along the red, scarred skin where the metal arm met his body. How he shivered when she would kiss his throat. And then together, they would wash away the blood covering their hands.

        She remembered how he said her name, sometimes with a smile or with a groan. How he whispered to her as they looked at each other across a pillow. She could recollect the cosmic emptiness in her chest as he would touch her cheek, and how it felt like she needed to remember every single detail of him. And she did. Some days were harder than others, but she couldn’t forget James.   

        When Bucky shifted in his sleep, Natasha jumped and tried to regain her composure. Her heart raced in her chest. She wouldn’t…no, she couldn’t do this. Steve had fought for Bucky, _his_ Bucky. Natasha wasn’t going to barge in and throw her problems into the mix. She had seen the way Steve looked at him. There was more feeling there than anything she had seen in her entire life. So, if Bucky didn’t remember her and their time together, then it was better off.

        It was stupid to visit anyway, Natasha thought to herself, what did you think was going to happen?

        Angry at herself, Natasha took one last look at Bucky and the line of his shoulders and the dark of his hair before turning away and closing the door silently. She took a few deep breaths and stepped back out into the main room where Wanda and Scott were playing cards and Steve and Sam were huddled over papers on the counter.

        Natasha grabbed her duffel bag from its spot next to the couch and stretched her arms above her head, “Well, I think I’ll be off.”

        Everyone in the room looked up but only Steve spoke, “You literally just got here.”

        “Yeah, I honestly don’t think I can handle playing cards or table tennis for a few days,” she smiled.

        Scott frowned like she had insulted him. Despite the slight rift between her and the others, they all said their goodbyes to her.

        After a short handshake, Wanda said to her, “I’ll walk you out.”

        Natasha nodded and waved to the others as she made her way out. Once outside their small apartment, she turned back to thank Wanda but paused at the expression on her face.

        With arms crossed, Wanda sighed before saying, “He’ll remember. I made sure of it.”

        Natasha’s throat closed. She felt that odd tug in her chest again. She wasn't used to people knowing what she was thinking and it was comforting and terrifying at the same time. Natasha studied the ground for a second before looking back up at Wanda. Without a word, she blinked once, twice, and turned away.

        She was never coming back to Wakanda.

 


End file.
